Monthly Archives: October 2010
Post Partum Depression is real. I have it.
I had it before with my first son (I didn’t know it at the time), but this time it has decided to show itself much later, and I believe with more symptoms. It’s something I have been aware of (because I had it before) and have tried very hard to keep myself from spiraling down into a depression, but I now know it’s not something I can control by myself.
What’s hard about believing I have PPD is that at various times throughout the day I feel just fine. What I know, however, is that part of PPD is mood swings – and those I have. I also have many other symptoms – irritability, extreme fatigue, sleeplessness (despite pure exhaustion), crying, lack of desire to do anything (including getting dressed or even brushing my teeth), feeling numb or empty inside. And then there’s even the physical symptoms – those I never had the last time. I thought I was having a heart attack the other night when my chest starting hurting as I was nursing my son for the 3rd time in the middle of the night. After much research, I read that chest pain can be a symptom of depression. I was relieved, sort of, that I didn’t need to call 911 or go to the hospital for an EKG. But what that made me realize is that I need to get help for my PPD.
Where do I start? Who do I talk to? What do I say? I haven’t even told my husband.
I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed. But I can’t help feeling that I should be able to take control of it and just be happy! I feel guilty for having this, as I don’t want to burden my family with something else – as if there’s not already enough stress in my life to deal with. I guess this is where I have to be the strong woman I know I am deep down inside. I know I’m not alone. I know I need to pick up the phone and call someone. I just have to keep telling myself that.
And now my son is awake, and I must dive back into caring for him. I love him dearly. He is the most precious little angel on earth…
I have never blogged before, so bear with me as I start this journey for myself.
As most of us do, I have good intentions of finishing what I start – writing being one of them. Writing has always been something I’ve loved to do, but somewhere along the way it got lost. Lost behind growing up, starting a business, getting married, starting a family. Not to say that all those things are not the most blessed things in my life, it’s just that when “life” happens often times our inner passions get pushed aside to make room for life’s responsibilities. Well, now it’s time for me to take it back!
As I watch my 3-1/2 month old baby boy sleeping (ah, thank goodness for video monitors!), there’s nothing more peaceful and innocent. I value this precious time and am grateful to be able to stay home this time. My “job” now is to be his Mother – something that I would be whether or not I was working a traditional away from home job, but now I am full time at home – completely opposite from my first son, who is now 3 years old. Family is the most important thing to me and how lucky I am to be able to take care of them. How lucky I am that my husband finally got a new job. How lucky I am that I have such wonderful, beautiful, loving boys.