Monthly Archives: August 2012
Yes, I am a perfectionist. I know, you can’t believe it, right? It’s probably why I seem to get “stuck” a lot. In fact, I’ve been sort of “stuck” lately. It will pass, I know. I’ve had a lot going on lately too – this I also know, and I’m giving myself a break about it. So what, I’ve been “stuck” and soon I’ll get un-stuck. The perfectionist in me finds this hard to cope with, because that part of me wants to be getting things done (like unpacking the stacks of boxes we still have all over the house, or finishing my book or even writing the perfect blog post – um, yeah right!). So, I say to my perfectionist little voice: take a day off, relax, I’ll be back soon. 🙂
I’ve had swimming on my mind lately. Perhaps (as Zack would say – he has become quite fond of that word lately) it is because we just finished another 2 week session of swim lessons, or perhaps it is because my doctor and I both discussed swimming as a great exercise for me (the knees don’t like to do much else), perhaps it is all the swimming we’ve been watching in the Olympics lately, or perhaps it is the combination of all three.
Zack is doing A-MAY-ZING with his swimming lessons. He finally got it. Doing everything at once – legs kicking, head in the water and arms doing big strokes. Although, the one thing we must work on are his ice cream scoopers. He’s got the big arms, but his hands are clenched up in fists like he’s fighting the pool (pretty cute, but he doesn’t go very far). I’m waiting for the fall swim lesson schedule to come out. Grandpa is paying for another session for his upcoming birthday. (Thanks, Dad). 🙂
I’ve also had some crazy dreams the last couple of nights. The one I remember most vividly involved both Costco and a swimming pool. In fact, Costco was the swimming pool. Or, the swimming pool was Costco – either way, it was weird. Really, really weird.
We (you know, those friends you have in your dream who in your dream you know but then you wake up and think “who were those people in my dream?”) were strolling up and down the aisles, pushing those ginormous shopping carts that are big enough to hold a house (at least a small little toy playhouse), but the whole store was a giant swimming pool up to waist deep. Everything else was exactly Costco. Again, very weird, but honestly it was a pretty fun dream!
So now, the next time the boys and I venture into the vast world of Costco, I will undoubtedly crack a smile and start to giggle, and Zack will undoubtedly say “What’s so funny Mommy?” and Brayden will undoubtedly ask “Why?”
It’s been a while since I’ve written about PPD. Postpartum Depression that is. I had it. I had it bad. I got through it. It’s over and done. I’m better – and now I just get to deal with normal every day stresses (not sure which is better – having an excuse or not). Possible excuses aside, I wanted to write about my PPD. I’ve written about it before, but it’s been a while, so here goes again.
I’m officially 100% off my meds. I can ignore the “current medications” box on forms at the doctors office. I can forget about having to remember to take my happy pill. It feels good to not be putting anything unnecessary into my body (I do enough of that with the wine and food I indulge in
every now and then). I feel stronger. More like the woman I know I am. I’m gaining my confidence back, feeling more empowered and ready to get back into the “real” world.
I’ve also been visioning up my new business, Love and Mommy Hugs: Supporting Women With or at risk of Postpartum Depression. I’ve had the vision for a while. I’ve had the passion to help people for a long time. I’ve been stuck and not sure where to go, how to focus, or where to start. I have now checked all those off my list and I’m clear on my direction and intention again. That alone is freeing and cleansing. Therapeutic. I don’t like feeling stuck, but I have been.
I found a couple websites that I consistently go to, both to learn more about PPD, but also as a connection to a community that shares similar experiences. Having a place where I know I am not the only one going through something is so important, even (and especially) now. I think it’s important for me to keep that. To keep a connection – somewhere, even if it’s a virtual connection online – is crucial. The feeling of isolation (which I was reminded of just the other day from a wonderful woman I was talking to about being stuck), was paralyzing. I don’t want to go back there.
Community. It’s all about community and relationships. Everything is. Family, friends, your health. Even the relationship you have with yourself. Knowing you don’t “feel” right is a big awareness towards the relationship you have with your body, mind and spirit. For me, when I was in the depths of my PPD, I knew I wasn’t myself. I just didn’t know how to get myself back because it had been so long since I knew who I was that I had forgotten who my normal self was. I know who I am now, and who I am has changed. I’ve shifted – in a good way. Flexibility is something not only as a physical measurement, and especially as a Mother (you all know what I’m talking about), we have to be flexible. When you’re child has a fever in the middle of the night and you’re supposed to watch someone else’s child the next morning – you both have to be flexible. Plans change. Things happen. Life goes on.
I’m happy to be on the path I’m on now. I’m excited about my next step. Baby steps, but a step forward none the less. I’m excited to have the opportunity to help others going through PPD. I’m glad that my horrible, deep, dark abyss had meaning. And what I’m most happy about, is being happy again!
My little baby (my first little baby), my big snugglebug, is going to Kindergarten. In four weeks. I can’t wait. And then, I get sad and nostalgic and all I want to do is snuggle him up in my arms and lay next to him.
Yes, in four weeks, my Zackery goes to school. We are all excited. He is excited to have a classroom with a bunny and a new playground and a big lunchroom to eat in and having to make new friends. He likes making new friends. Way to go Zack! When I was his age, I don’t think I was as excited about making new friends as he is – although I don’t really remember my first day of Kindergarten (It was a while ago. Not a looooong time ago, but long enough). I’ve asked him about making new friends, and he says he likes to. There was a moment when I was worried about him: Brayden and Zack went to a day camp and I stayed with them both the first day. They both clung to me like elmer’s glue – cuz, you know, there’s nothing quite like the real elmer’s stuff. It was a good hour or so before Zack left my side, but when he did, he was off and running with a new friend. So, I’m not really worried anymore. He’ll do great.
In four weeks, I will be dropping him off at 9am and picking him up at 3pm, five days a week. It will be great – to have some time. Time with just Brayden, time to myself (Brayden still naps a good 2-3 hours a day… on a “good” day), time to re-energize and be excited to have both kids together for a whirlwind afternoon into evening before bed. Time. Just plain time. I’m excited that Zack will be learning new things. I like to think I am teaching him good social skills and “best manners,” but when it comes to the academic stuff we aren’t the best team for each other. I recognize that. I’m okay with that.
In four weeks, my baby goes to Kindergarten. I will be happy, I will be sad, but most of all, I will be a proud Mama.
Okay, have to admit. This post really has absolutely NOTHING to do with cockroaches or caterpillars. So why that title? For some reason it popped into my head and I can’t get rid of it. Hmmm….? Maybe it’s referring to exterminators. Maybe I need to exterminate my mind (really?) to clear space for other things. You know, get rid of the cobwebs (okay, I’m not really that old, but I’ve been “stuck” the last week with my writing). Maybe I need to spray that nasty, hazardous, bad-for-the-environment (and everyone within a 50 foot radius) aerosol stuff to kill all the bugs and creepy crawlies. Hmmm… Yes, exterminate the mind.
Okay, now I’m just rambling. Which isn’t always bad. Sometimes I need to just ramble, to just get something down on paper – or in this case onto the white screen in front of me.
Just. Need. To. Write.
Writing, yes, doing that now. Feels good. What the hell have I been so afraid of these past 2 weeks??? Whatever it is or was. Consider it exterminated. BOOM! Bye bye bugs, pests, annoyances, little voices (yes, that would be MY little voices – of which I sometimes find are numerous).
So, quick post today. With not much meaning. But, at least it’s writing, right?
See y’all later! 🙂
Oh, by the way… my boys (all 3 of them – hubby included) are all fabulous!!! xoxo