I’m still grieving. I miss you. This isn’t scripted or thought out, it’s just me, writing from my heart because I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m lonely and I miss you. Truth is, I never really even began to grieve for you. I probably am in a butt load of denial (probably why I still haven’t erased your phone number from my phone or deleted your email from my computer). I miss you and I’m mad at God for taking you when he did. You didn’t deserve to die so early. You had fight. You were a Grandmother and none of us even knew it. You never got to see those precious little babies of mine in person. You will never get to hold their delicate hands, touch their soft skin or stare into those innocent little eyes. They will never be able to hug you or sit on your lap while you read them a story.
Dad is dating. I guess he calls her his girlfriend now. Her name is Chris. She is nice. I’ve met her once. She looks like you. I can see why Dad likes her. He says he’s falling in love with her. Zack and Brayden sat on her lap and she read them stories. That should’ve been you. I wanted it to be you. Why couldn’t it have been YOU?
I know you know them. I know you’re here with me and see me and my family. But I want you HERE. I want to sit next to you and laugh and share memories. All I have now are memories. I want more. I want you Mom. I miss you Mom. It’s not fair.
I’m hurting. Really bad. It’s holding me back. I’m withdrawn. I’m not who I know I can be. I don’t want to grieve. It hurts. I’m sad. I can’t talk about it. I just cry. I avoid talking about it. I act like I’m okay. But I’m not. I’m really not okay. It’s been almost 6 years. Why is this so hard? Why is Dad okay? Why is Susan okay? Why am I so sad and hurt and angry?
I want Dad to be happy. He deserves it, and I know you would want him to be. I know he has talked to you. I don’t know how often, but I know he has. He told me he could never replace you. That made me feel better. Do you know the very first thought I had when I saw Chris for the very first time? She looks like you. Petite with dark hair. Carried herself in the same way you did. She reminds me of you. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard. Maybe that’s why this time it hurts more, and it’s not just awkward, but it’s pain, and maybe a little fear.
I miss you Mom and I don’t know how to move on. It’s been in my gut for a long time now – needing to let go. But I can’t. The acceptance. I can’t do it yet. I know you’re not coming back. You’re never coming back. I’m not ready to delete your numbers. Do I have to? Please tell me I don’t have to. I won’t be calling, but it’s something I can hold onto.
Uncle Michael died a couple weeks ago. I’m sure you know. I hope you are with him. It was a weird reality. He’s the last of your family. There’s no more. Maybe that’s why I’m so emotional right now. Well, and maybe hormones too.
I went through a lot with Zack and Brayden. I wish you were there for me. I’m angry about that. But I don’t want to be angry at you. How could I be? You fought, I know you did. I watched you fight. You were strong. I get that from you. I’m strong too, so that’s why it’s so hard for me to be sad and hurting right now. I really, really miss you. I really, really hate that my boys will never really know you. I know that I can tell them all about you, and show them pictures. Zack already knows your face, and he knows you’re up in Heaven. He asked me the other day, “Mommy, where’s Heaven?” I told him it was way up in the sky, far, far away. He asked if you have to take an airplane straight up into the sky, really fast. That made me smile, and I answered “Yes.”
I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if this is helping me or not. I assume it is, and I assume I probably need to keep doing it.
I love you Mom more than you know. I miss you more than I know.