Oh, another bedtime that ends in Mommy (me) apologizing for screaming and yelling – mostly directed towards Brayden these days. I hate it. I hate feeling angry when it’s supposed to be all loves and cuddles and tucks into bed. Bed-time has become Battle-time.
I try to stay calm – because I know they feed off of my energy. I try to be fun and silly to distract from whatever is happening that shouldn’t be. I try… that’s all I can do, right? I’m a good Mom, I really am. But tonight I am just TIRED of yelling at bedtime! It isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair to Brayden, and it isn’t fair to Zackery (who unfortunately gets to hear everything that – as mentioned above – is mostly directed at Brayden).
They are both in bed now, and bless Zackery for understanding it’s not all him (partially, yes, but minimal – at least tonight’s battle), and calmly climbing into bed and going to sleep. Brayden is still squirming around in his crib. I can hear the creaking of his mattress springs. He wants to be rocked some more. But I already did that!
I know it won’t last forever – me having to rock him – but I’m getting tired of that too. The one thing that I tell myself is that he won’t want to be rocked in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years – so I better get my rocking in now. At least I was conscious enough to have us all take deep breaths (mainly so I could calm myself down) before lights went off and I sat down in that perfectly worn-in sage green rocking chair, with Brayden’s head nestled into my left shoulder, his arms tucked under his tummy. Okay, yes, this image… is making me feel better. Another deep breath…
Bedtime battles. I know I’m not the only one who has them. And I KNOW they won’t last forever. Zackery is my example of hope. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s not perfect, he still knows how to press my buttons, but compared to last year, or 5 years ago when we had to sleep on the floor next to him just for him to go to bed – yes, I have high hopes!
It’s quiet now. Just the clicking of my keyboard as I type this and the gentle humming of my outdated laptop. I think I’m going to go prop my feet up and finish off the last little bit of Chardonnay. Cheers!
Oops… spoke to soon…